Today is a Good Day

In December when I was diagnosed with cancer I really thought I would die from it. I have been carrying that around in my head all this time, this cancer is going to kill me. My short term goal was to live to see Anna graduate from high school, longer term to see her graduate from college. I’ve been thinking about needing to go through all my shit and get rid of massive amounts of stuff so Cherie wouldn’t be left to deal with that when I die. I was thinking about how my family would handle my death, I worried about them a lot. I have been carrying this looming death around in my head mostly by myself because I was trying to put on the “I got this, I’m fighting it” face that I know people want to see. That brave front was a lie.

I have trusted all the doctors at UCHealth to do their work and give me time for that short and long term goal. I have willingly let them pump me full of poison, radiate me, cut me open all with the hope that I would get the time I needed to wrap life up.

Today I got my new CA 125 number (that is my cancer marker). It is 63, which is down from 652 in January. Normal is between 0-33. So today I became tentatively in remission. I still need some follow up scans that will happen in a few weeks after the radiation has fully done its work. But right now I am in tentative fucking remission. I have walked with death as a possibility and now it is not and I have no words for how I feel right now. I know that I still have to get those scans and will get scanned frequently to look for recurrence, that all carries its own scariness. And year 5 is the gold standard for real remission, but today I will take this tentative news and reset my brain - maybe this cancer isn’t going to kill me.

I can plan my future again and think beyond the next treatment. I am so grateful and overwhelmed with joy and relief right now - I am a hot mess, but in a good way!

Knowing that the last few months of brutality to my body actually worked is amazing. Trusting science was a good plan.

I need to remember all the lessons I have learned from this experience going forward.

I am in remission today.