My Reality

You hear about people who have terminal cancer and all the things they accomplish before they die. They travel to all the places they have never been, they become fluent in some language, they run 8 marathons to raise money for cancer. I don’t know how they do it. They make me feel like I am wasting my precious time by napping all day. I know those people are the exception and that most cancer patients are just trying to survive each day but since the overachievers get the press I feel like an underachiever for sure.

I would love to travel. How do you coordinate that around having enough TPN bags and keeping them cold for the length of the trip? How do you work around the many appointments with doctors that occur weekly? How do you travel with a new ileostomy that has a tendency to leak when it is least convenient? How do you travel when you just want to sit in a chair and nap?

It is not that I don’t want to live life wildly and fully, it is just too complicated. So how do I enjoy my life and not feel like I am wasting it?

I do what I can and enjoy the hell out of it. I live in the moment and cherish it. I stop and let feelings wash over me. I periodically just stop time and stay in a moment.

I play in the tuba Christmas concert with my sister. We figure out how to make it work and it does. I stop playing at one point and just listen to the music and know that I am there with my sister and it is amazing.

I go to book club and completely enjoy my time with long time friends, and it's okay if I didn’t even read the book. It is good to just be wrapped in their warmth. Again taking that moment to just take a picture of that spot in time and be happy.

It is hugging Anna tight, and marveling at who she is becoming but also thinking back to rocking her to sleep, teaching her to ride her bike, sitting in the passenger seat while she learned to drive.

It is looking at Cherie when she doesn’t realize I am looking at her, and being amazed at our 26 years together, through great times and rough patches she is at my side. I try to capture in my mind and hold moments we have had of absolute love, I am grateful.

Maybe I will get better at managing my ileostomy, maybe I will get off my TPN, maybe I will have fewer appointments and feel less worn out. Maybe I will feel good enough to travel or ride my bike but maybe I won’t. I will be happy with my small moments with the people I love and that will be enough.