Just One Day

I would like to wake up for just one day and have a normal day with no reminders of my cancer. Just one day. I am not asking to be rid of the cancer, I know that is an impossibility, I just want a day where I forget all day that I have cancer and the day is just an old normal day.

I wake up every morning and I am immediately reminded of my cancer as I untangle my oxygen tube and my TPN tube from each other so I can get up, which I have to do very carefully so I don’t pull my nephrostomy tube. Then it is up to empty the nephrostomy tube and my Ileostomy bag. Getting dressed is about getting clothes that fit around my distended abdomen and making sure my picc line is not being pulled by my sleeve. So ten minutes into my day and all I see and deal with are the reminders of my cancer. The day just goes on like that, with a million things that draw attention to the cancer, whether it is some part of my body, meds, or trips to UCHealth, my life is just mostly cancer with a little sprinkle of regular day here and there.

I savor those bits of regular days I have, whether it is a visit with a friend, a trip to the grocery store, watching a show with Cherie, or the best - meeting one of my goals (more on that in another post). I greedily would like more. I want to string a whole day of life without cancer reminders together.

I picture two regular days I would like to have.

The first is getting up and meeting Penny at Starbucks. Anna is with us because I am taking her to school. We have a nice breakfast visit together and then off to work I go. Work would be one of those days where everything about teaching clicks and it is like magic. Definitely would be an experiment day, one that starts with a discrepant event that I have set up to blow the kids minds, and then sending them off to figure out what is going on. Walking around listening to the buzz, asking questions, and hearing the big aha moments. It is a little bit chaotic and a little bit voodoo. When the day is done my room is a mess and I am so tired and happy. Then I would pick up Anna and head home. Cherie, Anna and I would sit down to dinner that Cherie and I teamed up to cook and we would just enjoy being together. I would love that day.

The second day would be getting up early, having a quick breakfast. Then prepare for a good long bike ride. Air up the tires, throw some snacks in my pockets and get my helmet and shoes adjusted. Head out for a 30-40 mile ride on the bike path, going out toward the reservoir and then beyond, no specific destination or mileage set. Seeing a coyote or fox or snake along the path. Stopping for snacks or just to admire the scenery, not being a slave to the data. Feeling that freedom and mind clearing that always comes with a long ride. Then heading home, maybe with enough time to go play a quick game of disc golf with Penny. Loading up Anna and Cherie and some games and going to Dry Dock for a really great big bold IPA and games with the family. Having that tired you get after a lot of sun and a good beer as the day ends.

Yep, just one day with no reminders of cancer and being able to live my life like before, that is what I want. What I will get though, and I need to be grateful for, are snippets of those old days.

The cancer reminders are going to be there, they remind me that I am still here.