A Continuum - Staying in the Middle

Thinking about life with cancer falls on a continuum. On one side you have hope and optimism (Pinkie Pie) and on the other side despair and pessimism (Eeyore).

On any given day I can be found all over this continuum, although I find myself less and less on the Pinkie Pie end as each new treatment, surgery, side effect, pain, and emotion take their toll. I would love to live in the middle. My science logic brain does, I am not so naive as to think everything will be okay and I will get well, that train left the station. But my emotional mind wants it to be true so badly, that I will get well and this nightmare will end. I vacillate between the two ends by the day, the hour, the minute.

The wild swings are not helped with other people's thoughts and opinions. I know everyone thinks I am this fighter and I am strong and tough and that I will just keep pushing forward. People assume I will try that next treatment no matter the side effects, or the actual efficacy. Early in this trip I too thought that I would try anything. How times change. I sometimes worry that I will just keep trying things to hang on for others and forget what is best for me. So that puts me all over my continuum.

I need to stay in the middle, be grounded in the facts and still believe in the treatments to give me more time and quality of life. I need to stay in the middle and think about what I can do everyday that makes me happy, makes everything I am putting my body through worth it. Even writing this I am all over the place hoping beyond what is healthy and despairing all that I am going to miss.

Staying in the middle will help me best make decisions about treatment. The middle is realistic but leaves room for joy. I need the people around me to live in the middle too, no false hope but no despair for my condition either.

Cancer is slow and relentless. Confronting mortality is daunting. Finding equilibrium is crucial.